Sunspots

**Disclaimer: No real thoughts are going to be expressed here in this blog post. This is simply a narrative exercise designed to help my brain relax. Although, if you find it entertaining, share away!**

My eyes struggle to stay in focus as a dull haze descends on my world like a warm blanket that a loving mother sets atop an infant. It's a warm, comforting feeling; or it would be if I weren't driving. My head snaps back and my mind is instantly restored to full alertness, if only for the moment.

It's been hours since my last pit stop. The sun has already taken its leave for the night. I should stop to fill up on fuel, stretch, and rest my eyes. I'll need to be on top of my game when the morning comes. I've masterfully orchestrated my course to take me into the heart of Atlanta at the precise moment rush hour is due to hit. What was I thinking? Has this sleepy haze been over me this whole trip? It feels like a blur. Two thousand miles and every mile-marker looks the same. The only discernible difference is when the sun sets and rises.

As I calculate how much longer I can stay at the wheel given my current level of consciousness and fuel, my mind drifts back to the reason for this trip altogether. Her name floods my senses like a tidal wave. Her voice echoes in my ears, her beautiful face lingers in my mind, and the warmth of her hands still dance on my skin where she held me. Oh, yes. Her. She was the whole cause for this expedition. I had to see her; if only for one last time, I had to see her.

If someone else had told me they intended to drive across the country just to see a girl for a few days, I would've called them crazy (as well as some other ridiculous names). If someone then told me she had no idea how he felt, I would've stepped up the insults a thousand times! Which is why this trip had to be shrouded in mystery. I would never have let someone else live down the insanity of the concept, so how could I? Maybe I was crazy. Maybe spending hundreds of dollars on fuel, driving cross country only to spend a single afternoon with a girl you're madly in love with who hasn't a CLUE is the very definition of insanity...

Most of this week has been on the road. Amidst the endless sea of asphalt lies an island of bittersweet memory. My stomach turns as I reminisce on the recent events. I don't know if it's hunger or heartbreak my tummy's trying to express. Maybe it's both. The warning of emptiness is unheeded as my mind has already started to relive the last 48 hours.

Pulling up to a mall in a foreign land is always an adventure, but knowing that inside is the one person I'd be willing to sacrifice everything for makes the butterflies that much larger. As I sit in the parking lot, awaiting a location via text message, my mind seriously questions whether or not she even has the slightest inclination towards my true feelings. How could she not know? It's been over 2 years since we last saw each other and we have stayed immensely close friends despite the distance. Who keeps up that strong a tie without acknowledging even the possibility of something more? Can't she see how much I adore her? Doesn't she realize how highly I think of her or how much I'm willing to support her no matter what? Am I really "just" that good a friend? Do I really come across so sincere and pure that there's not even a hint as to any extra motives? Or is she just that naive? I AM her friend. But my feelings extend so far beyond that. Maybe I should tell her, let her know that...

My thoughts are interrupted. Txt message. She's in the food court. My legs and arms go into autopilot as I exit my car like a trained navy seal ready for a top secret incursion. In perfected synchronization, my seat belt is off, door is opened and locked, my keys and cell phone stowed away in their respective pockets and my legs are already engaged in a swift yet stealthy pace towards the food court entrance.

The sun is bright, the weather perfect for tanning; the right balance of humidity and non-oppressive heat. I don't care. The beauty of the afternoon is lost on me, my thoughts preoccupied with what will prove to be the highlight of my trip. In just a few more steps, I'll be sitting face to face with the strongest desire of my heart. I've already breached the mall entrance. My eyes instinctively scanning. Ignoring the men, women and children. Negative match. Not who I'm looking for. THERE! My eyes only catch the back of her head, but that's more than enough to recognize her. It's like the day we met. My mind transports back two years when I was dumbfounded just when she walked into the room. I had only seen the back of her head then, but I knew I needed to know this girl. My heart leaped. It saw what my eyes could not.

My heart was not just leaping now; it threatened to pop out of my mouth! I don't even remember the distance from when I spotted her till now. I'm 4 feet away, I shout her name. She turns around, stunning me with gorgeous blue eyes and a smile I wish meant so much more than "So happy to see you, friend!" My heart gushed, my gut cringed with pain. My tongue yearned to spill out the secrets that have been locked away for years. This is not the time. This is not the place. My shields have to go back up. I strengthen them only by promising myself that I WILL tell her... eventually. I have to before I implode.

I smile back. We sit and chat about things insignificant in light of the secret I've been longing to share. We laugh about things I can't even recall now. We joke, catch up, there is nothing but smiles. My heart is already burning white hot when she laughs again and grabs my arm. This almost makes my soul go nuclear, my mind already flooding coolant into the situation by screaming "SHE DOESN'T KNOW! IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING!" My brain is smarter than my heart thinks. It is just a platonic gesture women have developed to drive men crazy since the dawn of time. It's a perfectly wonderful appreciation for the comfort level in a friendship, but for a guy, it's easily misread as "there could be more." What if my mind is wrong? What if she is ready to hear what's been eating away at my heart for the longest time? What if...

The sound a trucker's horn and some maneuvers I can only describe as "secret agent inspired" bring my thoughts and my car to a screeching halt. That was too close. I decide it's time to get off the road for an hour or two. I need fuel and my mind needs rest.

The aromas from the gas station assault my nostrils. It must be great to be a car; anytime they start to run on empty, they can be refilled and keep on going. I, on the other hand, am not as easily restored when drained. After this week, I wonder if I'll ever be whole again. Grey emotions are all that's left to color the pictures in my memories.

I pull into a rest stop, it's 4:30. Good. There's no one around to witness my exhausted misery. I adjust my seat and attempt to rest my eyes. As soon as they shut, there's her face again. I try to blink it away, but it's too late, my subconscious takes its turn at torturing my heart, continuing the memory with the vivid power of my dreams.

It's dinner now. We decided that a day of amazing adventures would could only be topped with an awesome dinner. After all, this is a special occasion. I'm on vacation and our friendship is worth a special evening, right? Of course it is. Is our friendship worth the risk of ruining it because of how I feel? Another weighty thought that gnaws at the back of my brain stem during the appetizers and main course. She's so kind and congenial. Talking to her is like talking to myself if I were a thousand times nicer and more pleasant. She is strong in understanding and our words don't even have to be much to explain ourselves. Truly there is a kindred connection here, but is it enough?

I wish my heart would shut up so I could enjoy this evening. I wish it had walked away from the threshold of blurting out my deepest emotions for her. I've walked this razor's edge for too long. Tonight is the tipping point. I will either show my hand or bury it forever, fold, and walk away.

My body is displaying the struggle being relived in the depths of my mind. I'm awakened by a tapping on my window. My reflexes immediately initiate attack mode and a surge of adrenaline snaps me from my sleep. It's a concerned security guard. He noticed me thrashing despite my extreme exhaustion and wanted to make sure I was ok. I assured him I was. He didn't need much convincing, his duty was finished and he went on his way continuing to patrol the rest area. I'm sure this was the most interesting thing on his night, but it seemed the normal disturbance for me and my nights.

The jolt from being wakened urges me to continue my trip. I haven't gotten more than a half hour of sleep, but that's enough to make it to the next rest area. I don't want to bother this guard anymore or risk him calling for medical attention should I have night terrors again. So my empty journey continues.

My mind drifts back to that final hour. Her voice is so sweet... now it brings searing pain like saltwater on a fresh wound. The day of adventuring took its toll on both of us and a large dinner has told our bodies that it was time to rest and recharge. But somehow I compel her to take a walk with me. This is it. I can't have come this far just to bottle up and not fill her in on what I feel. I decided that being friends means being completely honest. And how can I be honest when I've been hiding this for years?

We walk, we talk. It must have been miles, at least it felt like it. I beat around the bush for an eternity. We both talk about how great our friendship is, how amazing that we met over one chance summer and stayed friends for so long. My heart is threatening cardiac arrest. My soul is screaming "SHUT UP AND TELL HER!" My body is beginning to use terrorist tactics to get me to comply. My left leg is cramping and may conspire to take me to the ground if I won't listen. "OK," I thought, "Now's the time. I will tell her how I really feel. I will tell her that I was captivated the moment I met her and haven't been let go ever since. I will tell her how I've grown to love her more than my next breath. How it's burned my heart every time she's told me about the 'new guy' in her life and how I've detested the thought yet encouraged and even helped the relationships that have seemingly made her happy..."

Yes, even when she's been dating someone else, I helped. I wanted her to be happy even if it wasn't with me. I feel like such a sap. But I knew it was the right thing to do. Sabotage does not win hearts. But would telling her that I helped be just as bad as sabotage? Would using my kind deeds as leverage in an attempt to convince her how awesome I am be just as underhanded as if I had caused her breakups? I wish they had covered THESE issues in ethics class instead of abortion and other things...

Suddenly, we're back in front of her house. We've walked the whole neighborhood. I'm out of time. It's obvious now that the evening is over. My chance is slipping away. It's now or never. I have to get this out. I open my mouth to speak, my pent-up feelings about to surge forth in an eloquent display of chivalry! This is the moment I've been preparing for. My tongue starts the first consonant.

Her arms wrap around me. Her head on my shoulder. She squeezes me tight. I've longed to hold her. WAIT! I haven't said anything yet! She says "Today has been wonderful friend. It's late, and I'm about to pass out. I loved seeing you. I do hope you have a safe trip back home." And just like a candle blown out with a single breath, that was it. I returned the sentiment and said my goodbye and she walked back inside. I stood there a moment bewildered at what just happened.

Heartbroken doesn't even begin to describe what I felt. I slink back to my car and hide my face for the tears that began to stream down my face are more than I can see through. I don't even wait for morning. This is worse than being outright rejected. I never even gave her the chance to do so. I drive and keep on driving. I pass cities, state lines. My trip ends as anti-climatic as could ever be conceived. She will never know how I feel and I will be forced to bury my emotions as I struggle to stay alive on this road. I don't know if our paths will ever cross again. But I do know that there is a long road ahead, and I'm no where near home yet...

The End?