Now, since there are three topics, you may decide to ration these exceptional thoughts throughout your day. I suggest bookmarking this page. OR, even better, just keep the browser open on your laptop/smartphone/iPad or whatever. OR, if you won't be near a computer, print my blog out and staple it to your pants. That's the smartest way.
1. Performance Enhancing Drugs in the Workplace
We're not talking about COFFEE here. We're talking the good stuff. The stuff that's already "illegal" but still used in the sports world. C'mon, if professional athletes can make good use of drugs to progress their careers, why can't the the rest of us?
Let's be honest - at first, this sounds like a GREAT idea. Imagine an office where the mail guy runs 20MPH and can throw mail over 200 yards. Think about a staff that could answer phones, withstand brutal meetings all day and still be able to unload the office supply truck without the aid of dollies and hand carts.
Imagine just being able to type faster than 30 words per minute! (I just googled and learned that 40wpm is considered average... now I feel slow)
Sounds like a super productive work environment, right? Just a few performance enhancing cocktails to go with the doughnuts and you have yourself a thriving hyper-competitive business.
But think about it; the job market is already saturated with inexperienced college grads who are having a tough time making use of their (VERY) expensive education. Thousands fail to jump into the workplace because there aren't enough jobs to fit their years of training.
Do we really want to make the workplace MORE competitive? Do we really want to make it MORE difficult for a poor college student with zero experience to obtain an entry level position with a company? Well, if everyone IN the workplace is nearing superhuman capabilities, that's precisely what would happen.
The job market would be completely run by the few elite, highest performing, enhanced workers while the plain college kids suffer in unending misery. This would ultimately yield a collapse of civilization and result in our next topic...
2. Comparing Socialism and Zombies
At first glance, you would think these two things have NOTHING in common. However, nothing could be further from the truth. With the threat of impending social collapse due to steroid abuse in the workplace, it's only a matter of time before one of these events take place. Here's a point-by-point comparison and how to prepare.
- Both seek to destroy free thought
Socialism and zombies both aim at the same weakness - the brain. Zombies tend to devour human brains (that's where the highest concentration of fats are) while socialists simply stifle ANY thought or expression contrary to (insert current dictator here)'s wishes or desires. The socialist numbs the brain with propaganda and mind-altering mantras. The zombie numbs the brain with rancid botulism foaming from its mouth...
The way to fight against zombies and socialist mind control is to USE your head. DON'T go out where zombies are - DUH! And don't let some socialist sway you with fancy arguments about the people's rights. It sounds like social justice, but give a warped individual power over you and you forfeit your individual rights (NEVER trade your responsibilities as a human being for pleasure offered by the Devil), freedom of thought and expression being among the first to be ripped from your cold, dead, zombie hands... - Hordes
The same thing that is horrifyingly true of cockroaches is true for these two groups - If you find one, thousands are nearby...
Zombies tend to propagate in groups because they turn from civilization to undead hungry, brain suckers. Socialists gather in groups due to similar means.
In all seriousness, socialism exists for the sole purpose of making more socialists. The weak build their living off the backs of the strong. Those who work have their earnings ripped from them and it's redistributed to the poor, lazy and those who fancy themselves "in charge." It's tyranny reborn.
Combating each group is, again, the same tactic - single them out. You cannot take on an entire zombie horde. Every comic book, movie, and poorly done webisode shows the most effective way to survive a zombie horde is to bottle-neck them and single them out one by one! You can do the same thing for socialists; get them away from the chanting mobs and challenge their logic and lines of thought until they crack and see the errors of their ways.
*Note, it is almost as difficult to turn a socialist back into a human as it is to turn a zombie back into a human... - PersistenceIt doesn't matter what you throw at zombies, they will still persist until you wipe them out with nuclear force. Same goes for socialists.
Ummm... if the solution didn't seem clear from the description, you have to use nuclear force with either problem.
My sister is already in the R&D portion of creating the Borg. While she endeavors on this eventuality I'll butter up the public so that her creation can be accepted by the masses. Here's my reasons why the Borg would benefit society:
- They could wipe out our zombie/socialist problem
- We could use them as slave labor
- They could build the Enterprise and research warp coils
- Learning would be a thing of the past! We could just connect to the hive mind and download all known information (kinda like on the Matrix, but faster)
- The iPhone would FINALLY have 4G speeds
- They make better doctors - HMO costs CUT!
- Resistance would be futile
- The world could stop worrying about currency since everything was done by the Borg
- With no currency, we could ALL just enjoy life through moral betterment and soul searching
- Everyday would feel like Halloween
- There'd be no need for violence (unless futile resistance was made)
- Bunnies
- War would be at an end
- Peace in the middle east
- Efficiency in the workplace would go up 10 million percent.
- Did I mention - Resistance is futile?
Hope you enjoyed this blog. Also... hope you didn't read it all at once. That's a bit of a dose of CRAZY!
