Oh Grow Up!

Hey, Faithful Readers, terribly sorry about missing yesterday. Life got me caught in a choke hold and I couldn't tap out. You know how that goes. 

I've been feeling a little bit ill the past week. Have a nasty cough that won't leave and shows none of the normal symptoms of congestion or anything remotely similar to a cold. It has managed to knock out my vocal abilities, making me sound very zombie like. Nyquil is starting to kick in so I'm just going to jump into a rant here and hope I don't pass out before I finish! (Hope you won't pass out before YOU finish either!)

Last week I commented on the things in life that change. A lot has happened in the days between weekendsand I'm still not at liberty to share all the sordid details of my experiences. What I can tell you is that I'm getting fairly frustrated with this whole "Growing up" thing.

Do you remember when you were a kid? Do you remember what was expected of you? "Try this." "Do your best." "It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game." Any of these sound familiar? See, when I was growing up, my parents certainly wanted me (my sister too... but especially me) to live up to my potential. But they, as good and loving parents, realized that putting immense pressure on a kid can cause them to crumble into a sea of broken dreams and shattered expectations. Of course, there's some rigidity in the pursuit of potential and many expectations that were expressed. But nothing along the lines of "do or die."

No, childhood was a very liberating time. The world was this exponentially captivating place. The possibilities were endless and all that was necessary to capture the options laid out at my feet was the simple desire to take a step in that direction. The rest would take care of itself. I was taught that if you just apply yourself, then everything else would fall into place. 

What happened between the ages of 12 and 20? What destroyed this perception of ease in life? How did something so simple and easily understood become a turbulent mess of choices and frustrations? Yeah... Google doesn't have any answers either. 

I don't understand how life took this awkward turn from being magical, exhiliarating and open to being depressing, draining and boxed in. 

I wish I could recapture the essence of my childhood perspective and implant it into my brain for today. I would love to look at the world again through the eyes that see nothing but possibilities. I wish I could live a life in which people only asked for my best. But this isn't the case anymore...

Now there are jobs with demands. Now there is an even greater absence of friends because they're all gone having similar draining and confusing experiences with life. Now there is a system that seems to say "fall in line, be quiet and stop dreaming." When did this happen?

Hmm... this is turning out to be a rather depressing rant. I don't have any answers or fun comments or insights to turn the emotional tide from this direction. I guess all I can do is choose to conform or rebel. And if I choose right, I may wind up in a great deal of trouble.

That is all. Naps are ensuing. It feels like work and naps are largely what constitutes my adult DNA at the current time. (I thought that preschool was DONE when you got done with preschool.) If this is what all the training was for, then there HAS to be more than this feeling, more than this stage in life. And I intend to find it... after my nap.