Ok, so mainly my writing style is to tackle some absurdly large and quasi-academic thought and expound upon its implications for the living. Today's post will still tackle something on that level, but the forefront of this post will have a much more personal touch than I'm usually comfortable posting online... here goes.
This week has just felt like the epitome of loneliness. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's the fact that I still live as a bachelor with only a cat (albeit, the most AWESOME cat in the world) to keep me company. Maybe it's the constant fizzling out of any romantic leads in my life. But most likely it's the realization that no matter how many people I find to laugh with, to share with, to love, and enjoy fellowship, everyone of them will someday leave. Where they filled my life with blessings and their presence, they will leave a gaping hole that isn't really possible to fill.
This is true simply because of how life happens. You meet people in school as a kid. Unless someone moves away (I did), you get to build some pretty stellar friendships for 12+ years. But, unless your career paths and/or scholastic goals lead you to attend the same university, even HS friends eventually fade into the background of a newly acquired life. Facebook helps a bit to keep people in the loop, but even that presents a colder and less interractive way of keeping up with people. I don't have to talk to you directly because I've gleaned all the info I need from your status updates... Bummer...
And college, OH BOY! Some of my best friends came from my time at college... but, again, life takes people in different directions. Now I have a job, people I know are getting engaged/married right and left, they are embarking on careers and other life opportunities and the impact they have on my life fades and becomes less and less. Then, one day, I wake up and realize "All my friends are gone!"
Insert sad-faced emoticons ad infinitum...
But this is life. It happens. And knowing it happens can make it really easy to slip into a deep depression, eat your entire back-up supply of Skittles and trade sleep to watch Friends while aching for their level of awesome friendship (As long as you don't get to the series finalle... that really bummed me out!).
So today, while I felt this aching, this pain, this emptiness, I took to the road and wound up at my Alma Mater (college) and walked around. I actually ran into a few people I know (it's only been about 3 years since I've graduated). There was a whole campus brimming with fresh faces. Each group had their own inside jokes and idiosyncracies that happen when you opperate in such proximity with bright, young adults.
And then I realized the beautiful hope that springs from this miserable truth: It doesn't matter the painful, excruciating and cripping loneliness that occurs as life tears the fellowship apart. Life still goes on. Being on campus showed me that. The moments that are available to make new friends and connect with people on similar levels still exist, I just have to take advantage of them.
It's when we cling to the relationships we once had, romanticize the past to the point of nausium, that we fall headlong into this trap of despairing, empty loneliness. Sometimes, it's ok to accept the fact that certain people don't talk to you anymore. It's nothing to pine over. Life STILL happens. There are still amazing people out there to connect with. But no one can take hold of something new until they let the old thing drop form their hand...
Segueue
Speaking of letting things go; it's Fat Tuesday. Tomorrow begins the season of Lent. Forty-five days prior to Easter, many Christian circles take this time for personal, spiritual purification in response to the Holy day that is approaching.
Fat Tuesday, or Mardi Gras, is the last blow out party celebration where so many engage in one last act of debase behavior (SIN) before spending the next 40 days in pious holiness (until Easter when, fueled by a Peep sugar rush, they do something regrettable and forget about that thing Jesus did on the cross). And of course, everyone else just jumps on the excuse to engage in general revelry...
This seems ridiculous to me. Taking a "last hurrah" before accepting the obligatory "right thing to do." Same concept of the bachelor party, I guess. Engage in one more night of irresponsible habits while being reminded that promiscuity is off the table once the "I dos" are said. Some say it's the last breath before taking the plunge... I liken it to inhaling a breath of seawater before coming out of the ocean onto dry land. Nothing like starting off on the right foot after decidingly doing a thouand times worse the night prior, right?
People like to do this so that they have something to hang on to while they go through the piety and other "obligations."
What irks me is when people come to me and say "Hey, this whole 'Christianity thing' just isn't working out for me." I always ask why. "I just never saw/felt/experienced any change so... it just isn't working."
Going back to a swimming analogy, IT ONLY WORKS IF YOU GO ALL IN! Oh my, how hard it is to grasp this concept! I know it's hard, I had to be reminded of it in my above realization. YOU HAVE to let go of what you clung to in order to receive something new and wonderful!
If people would realize that reveling in debauchery for one more night only serves as a reference point of reminiscing, and that reminiscing is the act that detracts and nullifies nearly any purpose for the purification, then they would stop this silly "I can have my feet in both camps and still win" idea.
If you're going to really "Try" this Christian thing, you need to take the words of Yoda VERY seriously; "There is no 'try,' DO, you must!" Try denotes that you will give only a minimal effort, test the water, keep some eggs in another basket. DO says that it's time to go all in, give it 100% and let the chips fall where they may. THAT is the only way to experience something truly.
If you hold back or hold onto the past, it prevents any actualization for a new future.
So when I hear people say that it's not working out and I ask how much they tried, I face palm on the inside when I hear them tell me "Oh, you know... just prayed and sought..." No life change, no desire to do things differently. They keep going with life as usual and just add a little Jesus on top... People like to think they can hold onto everything else and just adding Jesus will redeem them. Yet people think it is absurdly idiotic for a person to believe themselves clean when all they've done is place a clean, white hat on top of a dusty, muddy, deplorably dirty body. You have to let go of the old in order to embrace the new...
What are YOU still holding on to? What's stopping you from letting go?
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